Chapter 24
According to the Women


“All right ladies, now that we have the men safely put away, let’s get started. It’s still anyone’s game, only 5 points difference in the score,” Jimmy smiled encouragingly as he shuffled his question cards.

Candi aligned the peek-a-boo cutouts at the neckline of her long sleeved purple dress to show off her cleavage to its best advantage. Paige adjusted the folds of her floaty skirt just enough to allow her dimpled knees a peek. Annie Joy gracefully crossed one leg, and casually rested her hands on the soft gray flannel of her slacks. They were ready.

“We’ll start with an easy question first, shall we?” Jimmy oozed while Annie Joy pleaded with Great Minnie to save them all from his terminal sugar high. Even Candi cringed at his patronizingly superior tone.

“Who was your husband’s last girlfriend before you?”

“Candi what do you say?”

“Ooooo give me a minute here. I know it started with a Y. Yvette, Uma, oops that’s not right. I was thinking of Uma Thurman. I loved her in Kill Bill, didn’t you? Now let me see. Got it! Yvonne. Yes that’s it,” Candi said with a sigh of relief. And Jimmy said that would be an easy one, huh!

“Paige, do you remember Alan’s old girlfriend’s name?”

“Actually, Jimmy, I don’t know. We met right out of high school so I suppose he did have one but he never talked about her and I didn’t ask,” Paige admitted.

“Right, well call me easy but if Alan says there weren’t any we’ll count that as a match. How’s that?”

“That would be great,” breathed Paige thankfully and the audience applauded their approval.

“Annie Joy, give us a name please.”

“Cécile.”

“That’s it? Cécile? So does Urs mention her often, I mean you seem so sure?” asked Jimmy, hoping Annie Joy would swallow his bait. So far these women had been duller than dishwater. He wanted to see some fireworks.

“Not too often, but she’s certainly no secret. Best friends don’t have secrets. When you get married your husband should also be your best friend, don’t you agree, Jimmy?” Annie Joy’s blue eyes asked artlessly as she wriggled off the hook. From his expression it was clear the fisherman had gotten the point.

Good for you gal! Seems like he needed a little puttin’ in his place.

Yeah, right, Great Minnie. I sounded like a pompous ass: your husband should be your best friend. I’ve fallen into a ‘Leave It to Beaver’ time warp. Gag me with a spoon!

Pshaw! Annie Joy. Get out there and seize the day.

Carpe diem to you too, Great Minnie. Now scram or I’ll miss my turn.

**********

“Here’s your next question. When you met your husband what was the first thing you noticed about him? Paige we’ll start with you this time.”

“His gorgeous tan,” she said dreamily. “You see my girlfriend and I had just parked our car and he came driving by and he had his shirt off,” she gushed, “and I…”

“I’m sure you were impressed. Yes, thank you Paige,” Jimmy said cutting her off without a backward glance as he made a beeline toward Annie Joy. The response from the audience died in mid-clap.

“Annie Joy,” Jimmy leaned closer and spoke in his I-can-keep-a-secret voice. “I want you to think back to when you saw Urs for the first time. What caught your eye?”

A smile lit up Annie Joy’s face as if she were reliving a truly mystical experience.

“His butt.”

“His butt?” Jimmy snorted as the room erupted into gales of laughter. He hadn’t heard that answer before…at least not from a women. He raised his eyebrows as if to ask why.

“It’s just so…,” she demonstrated with her hands as if she were holding a globe.

“Yes, I’m sure it is,” he agreed as he turned and sauntered over to Candi sitting on the other side of the stage.

“Now then Candi, what did Bob do to impress you when you met?”

“He was so polite, you know all those mannerly things, holding the door, pulling out my chair. Such a gentleman and so masterly; treated me like I was a special lady,” Paige’s lips curved in a sweet smile of remininscence.

Seeing the enthusiastic response from the onlookers, especially the women, Jimmy decided he couldn’t fight city hall. “And I’m sure you are a special lady, Candi. In fact all our ladies up here on stage tonight are special, aren’t they audience?” he asked condescendingly. “Let’s give them a little encouragement for these last two questions.”


“Since the men had a question about your bra size, ladies, it only seems fair that you should have one about their clothes,” Jimmy snickered.

Please God no, not boxers or briefs. If I get it wrong they’ll know for sure we’re not married.

“Ladies, we want to know your husband’s waist and inseam measurements,” he paused for effect.

“Over to you Annie Joy.”

I get it Jimmy; so you can just lose that diabolical grin. It’s payback for that best friend comment, isn’t it? Sweet Mother of Crap! I don’t have a clue. Think Annie Joy. Small waist, forever after legs. OK, here goes

“I’ll have to say…” but it seemed Jimmy also had to say. His words and voice ran right over Annie Joy’s as if they were no more than a broken white line on the road indicating overtaking is allowed.

“Having a little trouble? Oh no, don’t tell me that you wear the pa…”

Annie Joy’s don’t-mess-with-me voice, firm yet polite, brought Jimmy to a screeching halt faster than a strip of road spikes. “I see you don’t like people talking while you’re interrupting,” she observed as if she were reporting the evening news…to the people in the back of the room.

“You go Annie Joy,” shouted a gray-haired lady in the second row with a grin a mile wide as clapping, cheers, and hooting filled the Starlight Lounge.

Jimmy stared down at his shoes, trying to compose himself and get the game back under his control. This was not how it was supposed to go. What had happened? Best cut his losses and get on with the show.

As the audience quieted Jimmy looked at Annie Joy and motioned with his hand to continue. No way would he risk more razzing from the crowd.

Barely hiding her look of triumph, Annie Joy began again. “As I was saying, Urs measurements are 32/36.”

Jimmy waited several heartbeats before he politely thanked her and moved down to Candi who was looking quite perplexed.

“I know Bob will forgive me if I don’t get this one right because he usually buys his own clothes and to me he looks great all of the time,” Candi tittered nervously. “I’ll guess 34/34.”

Annie Joy’s heart sank. Bob was at least a few inches taller than Urs and if his inseam was 34 then this was not looking good for the home team. Anxiously she turned to hear what Paige would say about Alan.

“34/36,” Paige answered without hesitating.

Even Jimmy couldn’t get her to change her mind although Annie Joy did think his questions came across more as gentle teasing than badgering, a noticeable improvement from earlier in the game. Perhaps he wasn’t taking himself so seriously?

**********

“For your last question we’re going to see how in tune your husband is with you. Ladies,” he paused for effect and looked at each one in turn, “What is one secret about you you’d like your husband to know?”

“Candi we’ll start with you. One secret…”

Her face became serious as she paused for a minute, gathering her thoughts. “I’d like Bob to know I worry about how hard he works. He so busy and he eats way too much fast food and…and I’d like him to exercise more, maybe even go to the gym with me once in awhile.”

Annie Joy and Paige shared a look of shock and awe. What did Candi just say? If she’d said, ‘I want permanent makeup’ that was one thing but this unexpected side of Candi was…deep and they couldn’t be happier.

Well blow me over with a feather. She may be a might over the top but that gal’s got a heart as big as Texas. I knew it all along. Remember when I told you to cut her some slack Annie Joy? I was right wasn’t I? Great Minnie knows these things.

Yes, you were right, Great Minnie, don’t rub it in. I should have realized when she tried to help Paige. I’m getting pretty good at misjudging people aren’t I?

There were no hoots or cat calls, just solid honest to goodness applause for Candi’s straight from the heart answer. Annie Joy leaned over and looked down the line to Candi. “Way to go, girl!” she shouted over the clapping and gave her a thumbs up. Paige leaned over to Candi. “Bob’s lucky to have you looking out for him,” she said with a hug.

Jimmy reappeared from the side where he’d been standing and approached Paige.

“Here’s your chance, Paige. What would you like to share with Alan?”

“Alan knows I love to cook and entertain but what he doesn’t know is that I’ve been thinking about doing some catering from home, small dinner parties, luncheons, things like that.” Paige’s eyes sparkled as she described her dream, her enthusism seeming to light her from the inside.

Still waters run deep tonight, Great Minnie. It’s like the great revealing and then there’s me. I am going to sound so superficial, so shallow. I can’t mention any innermost thoughts and desires…I don’t even know if I have any! Allright I do about my job and what I’d like to try. But about Urs? Absolutely not. Friends can’t have thoughts like that…well not out loud ones. Uh oh, here comes Jimmy. Time to be trivial.

“So Annie Joy, are you and Urs singing the same song, dancing to the same tune? Does he know what you’re thinking?”

“Unfortunately sometimes yes; fortunately, sometime no.” Annie Joy grinned, playing to the women in the audience. “I know I’m going to sound like the lightweight of the group, especially after the answers we’ve just heard from these gutsy women but here goes. I would like Urs to know that I’m going to get a tattoo.”

Well that certainly lightened up the mood, thought Annie Joy as the room burst into laugher. When she looked over at Paige and Candi, however, their looks contained considerably more shock than awe.