Chapter 23
According to the Men


“Now then, Candi, Bob was a little worried about this first question but you’ve known each other awhile right?” Bob squirmed on his chair and smiled nervously, as he felt the hole he’d already dug for himself grow even deeper.

“Oh my yes, we’ve been together over two years, haven’t we honey?” Candi smiled adoringly as Bob stared down at his answer card on his lap.

“Good for you,” Jimmy said in a tone that conveyed just the opposite. “Now Candi, if Bob could change two things about you what would he make smaller and what would he make bigger?”

Candi eyes did a quick survey of her body and then looked off to the side while she thought. Smaller….hmmmmm. Obviously it wasn’t her boobs, both she and Bob agreed on that one. Her waist could do with another inch less she supposed. “My waist could be smaller?” she guessed.

“I’m sorry, Candi. No points there. Bob said your butt.’ “ Jimmy’s attempt at sympathy fell far short of the mark as Bob held up his card and the audience roared and clapped.

Bob felt Candi’s shoulders stiffen as he gave her an apologetic hug, “I’m sorry, honey.” For a second he thought she was going to wrench her shoulder away from his embrace but instead she gave a tight smile and whispered through clenched teeth, “We’ll talk about this later.” He kissed her cheek and sighed; suddenly wishing she wasn’t so calm. It would be a very long night.

“And what would Bob make bigger?” Jimmy asked quickly. He’d discovered it was best to keep the pace fast and not allow the contestants time to brood over embarrassing answers.

“I’m always saying I want fuller lips so it would be lips.”

“Right Bob said lips. That’s 5 points for Candi and Bob. That deserves a kiss don’t you think?” Jimmy prompted as the audience applauded and Candi and Bob kissed briefly, very briefly. Clearly the butt thing would not die an easy death.

“So Paige, what needs to be smaller?”

“I hope he’ll say my dimples,” she said softly as she tried to tug her skirt down over her knees.

“Yes, he said dimples on your knees. Nice job staying out of the doghouse on that one Alan,” Jimmy said with a slap and a wink.

Alan agreed as he proudly held up his sign, received a congratulatory kiss and 5 points.

“Here’s the toughie, Paige. What did Alan wish was bigger, eh?” Jimmy asked suggestively.

Paige blushed and followed Jimmy’s lead right down the garden path as Alan cringed, waiting for the wrong answer he knew was coming. “My chest,” she answered hopefully.

“Ohooo I’m afraid not, Paige. Let’s see what Alan wrote….your voice. No points there, sorry.”

Paige stared at him in disbelief, “My voice?”

“I…I just meant that sometimes I have trouble hearing you when you talk, that’s all,” Alan tried to explain lamely.

“Maybe you need bigger ears then, Alan,” Paige said sharply, and then sat back amazed by the fact that she’d spoken up for herself and even more at how DARN good it felt!

‘Yes!’ Annie Joy gave a mental cheer and Urs filed Listening to Spouse in his reteach file.

Jimmy moved on down the line.

“Annie Joy, what needs to be bigger?” he asked brightly.

Annie Joy pondered…boobs or butt. Hang loose, she grinned crookedly. It had to be her butt. Apparently that was the wrong answer.

“My height? I’m too short?” she spluttered incredulously as she read Urs’ card.

Slowly he leaned down to set his card on the floor and said with a low voice, “I was just thinking about how short you seemed without your killer heels. I didn’t want to say something embarrassing.”

“Oh. So my butt’s OK then?”

There he goes again doing that…that eye thing. Great Minnie did you see that? I hope to God no one else did. Talk about embarrassing!

“Still a chance to earn some points here guys. What did Urs say needs to be smaller?”

“It’s my appetite isn’t it?” Annie Joy’s reached out her hand to help him turn over the card. “All right!” she celebrated the match with an air punch. “He says I’m a human boa constrictor,” she playfully confided to the audience as she pointed her thumb at Urs. “She is,” he chuckled, not sure if he was laughing at Annie Joy or himself.

“Well done, there, 5 points and by the way thanks for the warning, Urs. We’ll have to be on the lookout for her in the Lido won’t we, folks?” Jimmy teased as the audience ate it up.

Annie Joy felt the warm tingle of embarrassment slowly rise up her neck then just as suddenly it took a turn downward and became a tingle of a very different kind.

Urs hands were covering her shoulders, turning her toward him for a kiss. “Come here my little boa constrictor.”

**********

“It seems like our newlyweds are pretty evenly matched…so far,” Jimmy paused for effect. “Question 2 ladies: Which movie title best describes your sex life? Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang? Gone with the Wind, Gone is Sixty Seconds, or Superman?”

“Paige, you’re first,” Jimmy said eagerly, hoping at least one of the women would disagree with her Superman. His hopes were not in vain.

“Ahem…” Paige cleared her throat and looked intently over at Annie Joy on her left.

Oh no, oh hell no! thought Annie Joy. ‘Not now! Not now!’ her brain telegraphed to Paige but it was too late. The minute parent cells of backbone and feistiness that had shocked Paige into action a few minutes earlier were now dividing into daughter cells creating an endless cell cycle. Paige was becoming her own woman.

“Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang,” she said candidly but her voice held no censure. The women and the men in the audience loved it of course, though for different reasons.

Alan looked at the card he held and opened his mouth as if to argue the point, “But…”, then remembering where they were, he
closed it again. Annie Joy held her breath and watched anxiously, gradually breathing again as his stunned expression became more thoughtful. Had Urs noticed? Her eyes asked and he answered with a subtle nod.

“Here’s you chance to move up in the game, Annie Joy. How does Urs rate in the romance department?” Jimmy’s oily voice managed to make the euphemism sound offensive.

Just smile sweetly, Annie Joy. Don’t over think this. Keep it light. Friends, just friends.

“Superman.”

Annie Joy had to laugh to herself. Could Urs’ smile get any bigger or his eyes squinch more? If she’d had her notebook handy there would be light bulbs coming out of his mouth and starry sprinkles at the corners of his eyes.

“Thanks for the compliment,” he grinned as they were awarded 5 points. Their kiss, as in lips touching, may have been predictable but Urs’ tongue was decidedly spontaneous, thought Annie Joy as she frantically tried to think of a clever comeback.

”No problem, Ers,” she whispered when Jimmy was out of earshot. “Actually I was thinking, ‘faster than a speeding bullet’,” she deadpanned with her most innocent expression and pulled back to wait for his reaction.

His expression changed from smug to surprise to satisfaction. He slowly and carefully brushed away an invisible piece of lint from his trousers stretched tautly over his thigh. “Actually I was thinking, ‘man of steel.’”

She should have known! He just had to have the last word didn’t he? Now see what he’s done! He’s woken those damn butterflies… again.

Meanwhile Jimmy had moved on to Candi who, to no one’s surprise, had confirmed Bobo’s prowess as a lover. They were tied for first place with Annie Joy and Urs.

**********

“I must admit your husbands had a bit of trouble with this next question. I just want you to remember how much they love you and well, this is just a game,” Jimmy said trying to sound friendly but coming off fawning.

“Ladies, how would your husband complete this sentence? You haven’t seen ugly till you’ve seen my wife’s….”

“Candi, you’re first up this time.”

“Hmmm, that’s a hard one, Jimmy. Let me think. My toenails when I have them done with a dark color? He just doesn’t like some of those high fashion colors but I mean you can’t be pink and pastel all year round, now can you ladies?” she asked, appealing to the women in the audience for support. The smattering of applause seemed to make her case.

“Good point there, Candi, but I’m afraid Bob here was thinking about your…” he helped Bob turn over his card, “striped bathrobe. Sorry.”

Candi gave Bob a mystified look as he shrugged his shoulders, silently confessing to stupidity in the first degree. Jimmy served as judge, jury, and possible executioner: “Bob said with the stripes and hood it reminded him of…what was it Bob…a Bedouin.”

Bob rolled his eyes heavenward. Oh yes, it would definitely be a long night.

“All right, Paige. Your chance to make up some lost ground here. What did Alan say?”

“He always teases me when I have my hair in curlers. Is that the right answer darling?” she asked as she stole a peek at the card.

Alan barely had time to wave the card at the audience before Paige was kissing him. “Thank Gott,” muttered Urs. “Amen to that,” seconded Annie Joy.

“Last but not least, Annie Joy. Did Urs get it right or not?”

Would he put it together? His thinking was pretty logical. Here goes. “You haven’t seen ugly till you’ve seen my brother’s dog.”

“Good job there, Urs,” Jimmy commented as he flipped over the matching card.

“I told you we make a good team,” Urs said as their lips met for the prerequisite kiss and if it seemed slightly longer and more enthusiastic than the other couples, well so be it. After three rounds they were tied with the really weds.

**************************************

“For our final question, we’re going to get up close and personal, ladies,” Jimmy explained with a smile that looked decidedly twisted to Annie Joy.

MORE personal? Someone’s sex life wasn’t up close and personal? At least Jimmy wasn’t starting with her. Great Minnie, HELP!

“You’ve just checked into your hotel in New York. It’s the day before the cruise and you realize you forgot to pack any bras. You send your husband out to buy one in your favorite color. What size and color will he get?”

“Candi, here’s your chance to move into first place. What do you think Bob said?”

“He knows this one by heart don’t you Bobo?” she giggled lovingly at her husband who smiled back confidently. “34D, black, Victoria’s Secret.”

“Correct! With 5 points for the size and 5 for the color that puts you in the lead by 5 points.”

“Now Paige, let’s hope Alan got this one right. This could bring you into a tie for first place. What do you say?”

“34C, white,” she said hopefully with crossed fingers.

“Awww,” groaned the crowd, sympathizing with the underdog as Alan held up his card, 38B.

Paige didn’t know if she should feel angry or just disappointed. Did Alan really not know what size clothes she wore? Was that why his gifts to her were so impersonal?

“5 points for the color,” someone shouted from the audience and encouraging applause broke out. They kissed as if on cue.

“Annie Joy it’s up to you.”

Jimmy held the mic in front of Annie Joy’s mouth expectantly. She shot Urs a desperate glance but he was totally engrossed in making certain the edges of the two remaining answer cards were perfectly aligned. She’d kill him. She’d absolutely kill him.

Well at least he’ll get the color right…if he remembers what we practiced, but then with some men you never could tell. Just get
them thinking about bras and…well you know, suddenly they have a brain melt. “34C, red.”

Urs reluctantly turned over his card, 34D, red. The audience hooted and clapped. “Only half right there, I’m afraid Urs. 5 points.”

Urs face fell. Was he let down about her diminished bra size or about losing the points? Suddenly it seemed important to know.

“And here I thought you were a butt man,” she half-teased. “Sorry to disappoint you but you know what they say; more than a handful’s just a waste.”

She watched as his eyes slowly surveyed her chest and then looked down pointedly at his hands as they rested gracefully on his knees, tapered fingers slightly apart.

“Everything about you is right, Annie Joy…just right,” his voice caressed. Annie Joy felt as if she were falling overboard, drowning. Her hands gripped the chair and she held on for dear life, willing herself not to think…not to imagine…not to feel.
She failed miserably.

“That’s the end of the first game. In a minute we’ll see how well the ladies know their husbands but first here’s the score. In second place we have Paige and Alan with 15 points and in first place we have Candi and Bob and Annie Joy and Urs tied with 20 points each.

As the men left the stage Annie Joy’s butterflies began singing “Two Out of Three ‘Ain’t Bad.”