Chapter 22
The Game is On


Urs felt both relieved and apprehensive as he checked his watch: the sooner this started the sooner it would be over. Jimmy, the cruise director, had just bounded up onto the stage in the Starlight Lounge. It was exactly 8:30.

In his immaculate white uniform, his clean-cut good looks and friendly smile cut a swath through the waiting audience. He joked, winked, and teased everyone in his path, young couples, old dears, men or women, it didn’t matter. He was an equal opportunity smoothie.

“What a great crowd we’ve got here tonight so let’s get started with our shipboard version of The Newlywed Game! Put your hands together please for our three brave couples,” he smarmed.

The three brave couples looked at each other as if to say, “No you go first,’ and slowly began to stand.

“Yes, that’s right, come on up,” Jimmy motioned for them to join him onstage in the three sets of waiting chairs. “Here they come. Now don’t be shy.”

Once she heard the applause, Candi, with Bob in tow, was a woman on a mission as she snaked her way through the maze of tables to get to the stage first.

As Annie Joy began to follow her, Urs grabbed her arm to let Paige and Alan go next. “Um, I’d rather be on the right.” Then catching her puzzled look he added, “I usually stand on that side of the stage.”

“You mean you’re not just avoiding the inevitable?” she asked.

“No, not at all!” he said as if trying to convince himself as much as her. “I just feel more confident looking at the audience from that angle.”

“Of course you do,” she laughed. “Well, we need all the help we can get.”

“Let’s meet our first victim….oops couple,” Jimmy joked as the audience laughed and whooped. “Candi and Bob, right?”

“Yes,” Candi answered with a smile and a little wave to the audience.

“And where you do live Bob?”

“California,” he said nervously. “I’m a car deal…”

“That’s really great!” cut in Jimmy, clearly not having listened to a word he’d said. “Well we’re glad to have you both with us. Couple Number One, Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you…Candi and Bob!”
“Next we have couple Number Two, Paige and Alan. I understand you’re an excellent cook Paige?”

“According to Alan,” Paige said modestly, leaning down to the mic.

“And what do you do for a living Alan?”

“I’m in swimming pools…eh, ahem I mean I sell pools,” he clarified, obviously flustered, as a few titters popped up around the room.

“Well, we’re happy you’re with us all the way from the Sunshine State. Give our Florida Orange Blossoms a round of applause folks!” and the crowd duly applauded.

“Last we have couple Number Three, Annie Joy and Urs.”

“Urs, it says here you’re a musician.”

“Yes,” Urs answered-not prepared to offer any more. Jimmy waited for a half beat too long, before he moved on to Annie Joy.

“And you like to decorate, is that right Annie Joy?” His tone was patronizing. “What a great hobby, isn’t it folks?” he said, trying to encourage some applause.

“Actually I also do it for a living,” she replied in a strong voice. Thanks, Great Minnie. I owe you one for all those times you kept harping at me to ‘speak up’.

“So you both work. That must be handy when you’re between gigs, Urs,” he said with a wink and a nudge.

Urs flinched to avoid Jimmy’s crass elbow.

You can handle him with one hand tied behind your back, Urs. You’ve done this before. He’s so busy thinking ahead to the next question he’s not even listening to the answers. Just don’t let him rile you!

Annie Joy marveled at Urs’ outward composure. Although his back was rigid with anger he remained the consummate professional. “Of course,” he conceded with a deceptively charming smile. ”Although I’m working fairly regularly these days,” he said modestly.


“Now that we’ve met our couples, let’s get the first round started. Ladies we’re going to take you to another room while we ask your husbands some questions. Then we’ll bring you back to see how well you agree with their answers. Off you go now.”

“Hang loose,” Urs whispered as Jimmy’s assistant led them out. “You too, HL,” Annie Joy replied softly, but not soft enough. Those damn butterflies had heard.

“Before we begin, I’d like to introduce my lovely assistant Sandy who will be recording the couples answers on cards and keeping score for us.” The applause for the pretty young thing was polite but understandingly brief. It was time to play the game.

“Gentlemen, here’s you first question. If you could change two things about your wife, what would you make smaller and what would you make bigger?”

“Bob, let’s start with you. Something smaller, something bigger,” he repeated as Bob scratched his forehead and frowned.

“Well, she’s going to kill me but I’d have to say a smaller butt,” he grinned sheepishly at the audience. “And bigger lips I guess. She’s always talking about getting her lips plumped up.”

“Right, butt and lips.” Jimmy moved over to Alan.

“I’d have to say her knees.” Alan smiled and his voice softened, “She has these cute dimples on her knees but she’s always saying how she hates them. So smaller dimples on her knees… and a bigger voice.” Jimmy looked puzzled but didn’t interrupt for a change. “Sometimes her voice is so soft that I have trouble hearing her when she’s talking,” Alan explained.

She doesn’t need a bigger voice you Dummkopf; you’re too busy listening to yourself. Urs was about to roll his eyes in despair but now Jimmy was talking to him.

“OK Urs, it’s up to you,” he declared as if he was the coach sending him in to score the winning goal with two seconds left in the game. He was ready…he hoped.

“Probably bigger in height and a smaller appetite,” he replied, mentally congratulating himself on dodging the bullet in this round. Even a fake husband knew not to criticize his wife’s knees or butt in public.

**********

“Here’s our next question. Which movie title will your wife say best describes your sex life? Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang? Gone with the Wind, Gone is Sixty Seconds, or Superman?”

Silly question! The three egos were all Supermen.

**********

“You all seemed to find that one easy. Let’s see how you do with the next one. We need you to finish this sentence: You haven’t seen ugly till you’ve seen my wife’s….”

If expressions could speak the faces of the three men were shouting, ‘Shoot me now and get it over with.’

Alan was first on the executioner’s block. After hearing the question read again by Jimmy and with much prompting he finally confessed to, “hair in curlers.” He hoped Paige would classify it as a misdemeanor.

Urs almost missed Alan’s answer as he tried to think what he could say…and let him live to tell the tale. Wait. That was it! His answer didn’t have to be about Annie Joy personally. He shook his head, “No,” as Jimmy offered to repeat the question. He remembered the prompt perfectly. “You haven’t seen ugly till you’ve seen my wife’s brother’s dog, Buddy.” Surely the case against him would be dismissed for lack of evidence.

Then came Bob. In his opinion Candi was a gorgeous woman. Granted some of her attributes were more alluring than others but none could be remotely classed as ugly. He was always proud to be seen with her, loved the way she dressed, even around the house. Well there was that bathrobe. With those stripes and the hood and long loose sleeves it always reminded him of a Bedouin. Of course he’d never told her…until now. “…striped robe.”

**********

“Let’s see how you do with this last one,” Jimmy simpered. “You’ve just checked into your hotel in New York. It’s the day before the cruise and your wife discovers she forgot to pack her bra. She sends you out to buy one in her favorite color. What size and what color will you get?”
Bob was ready and waiting. “No problem with this one,” he smiled toward Alan and Urs. “34D, black, Victoria’s Secret.”

“Show off,” Alan teased. Urs groaned inwardly, ‘Too much information.’

“I think it’s 38B, white,” Alan answered.

“You’re sure now? Don’t want to change your mind?” Jimmy asked, trying to shake Alan’s confidence.

Alan thought for a minute, ”No I’ll stick with that,” he decided, wiping his damp hands on his slacks.

Jimmy smirked; Urs cursed.

He closed his eyes briefly as his mind raced through the fruit market: sizing, considering, rejecting, comparing. His fingers moved in response to his mental guesses. Cécile was…Annie Joy was….or was she? At least he knew the color. “34D, red,” he finally decided.

*****

“Sandy would you bring the ladies back in please?”

While she was gone, Jimmy passed out the large white cards with the men’s answers.

As the women sat down beside their partners, Jimmy greeted them with his own brand of misplaced humor, “Welcome ladies. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”