Seb sat looking at her, arent you angry with me he asked.
Seb, I love you with all my heart but I have always known that you didnt love me the sa
No let me finish please she said as he made to interrupt her.
I have always known you didnt love me in the same way I love you, I thought when we had a family that maybe you would. When you went away to Rome I fully expected you to come back and tell me the wedding was off. When you didnt I swore I would be the best wife to you that I could possibly be.
And you have he insisted, you have been the perfect wife and I do love you, very much as it happens. We have had a good marriage havent we?
Yes..but it has always been there, me not being able to give you a child and now.now you have that child, so I repeat what are you going to do?

Im not sure he replied, what do you think I should do?
Talk to her of course, find out what she is offering.
I hung up on her last week, I was so angry at her for not telling me and .he paused, I know this sounds stupid but I feel angry with her because she.she
Shes dying finished Raquel for him, did you love her?
Seb closed his eyes, god this was so hard, yes I think I did but I never stopped loving you he added as the tears ran down his face. Oh god Raquel I am so sorry I never meant to hurt you.
Raquel stood up and looked down at him the tears running unchecked down her cheeks, I need to be on my own for a while Seb, I need to think about what this all means.

Seb watched her walk from the room his heart aching, for her, and for Angelina and for the little boy he didnt even know.

He busied himself in the kitchen preparing dinner, cooking was therapy for him it helped him to organise his thoughts by the time Raquel joined him he knew what he had to do whatever the consequences.
Smells good she ventured haltingly, can I help?

Seb put down the wooden spoon he was holding and crossed the room to her, yes you can he answered, you can hold me he said with desperation and fear in his voice.
Oh Seb Raquel replied as she opened her arms to him, come here.

Later they sat quietly and discussed all of the possible outcomes.
Seb the only way to find out is to speak to her, and keep your temper under control it sounds as if more trouble is the last thing she needs.

The next day after Raquel had left for work Seb sat with his phone uncertain if he should call or not. Finally he plucked up the courage and called.
Seb hi, I didnt expect to hear from you again I said quietly half afraid he was going to shout again.
I know Im sorry I just had well I had a lot of thinking to do. Can we meet and talk?
I took a deep breath, of course when and where?
Today? If you are up to it of course he added.

He stood up as I entered the restaurant, god why does he have to look so good and why do I feel like this after all I love Andy now.

Hello Angelina he stopped as if unsure what to do or say next.
This is all very awkward isnt it I replied.
We ordered and sat waiting for our order neither of us sure where to begin.
I I began.
Angelina he said at the same time.
Please carry on said Seb.
I took a deep breath and began. I know I did wrong in not telling you about Matthew and I did try in the beginning After I was diagnosed it took all of my energy and time to cope with the pregnancy and the chemotherapy treatment. I knew you were married and it didnt seem fair to your wife to suddenly announce you had a son.
I thought about you often, I saw you on TV you are very good by the way.
Seb smiled thank you
Anyway I got married and I was happy and so was Matthew, Andy is a good man and he cares for us. I thought that was it and that would be our life but. Well the tumour came back
There must be something they can do.. another treatment said Seb with concern written all over his face.
I shook my head no we have tried all the available treatments I stopped and swallowed the lump in my throat I dont want to die..to die without you knowing your son
I could tell that Seb was finding it difficult to answer, he had tears in his eyes and when he did finally speak his voice was husky. Oh my Angelina he reached over and took my hand I have never ever forgotten you and that special time we shared, I should never have left you in such a way. Im sorry I hurt you I cannot bear it that after all this time I have found you again and nownow
He paused.
I know Seb, I know I replied as I squeezed his hand.
We spent hours just talking, about our partners and about Matthew.
Raquel is a lovely person and I love her dearly he said but it has never been.. well like you and me, I wish.. I wish it could have been different
The same for me, I love Andy and he has been so wonderful to me and Matthew the last thing I want to do is hurt him, or Raquel
Do you have pictures of Matthew?

I had come prepared with a supply of photos from when Matthew was born. I gave the envelope containing them to Seb and then excused myself to go to the bathroom.
I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a thin, sickly looking woman looking back at me and wept for what I could never have!

And so began the process of introducing Seb to our lives. At first Andy was hostile towards him and unwilling to build a relationship with him.
One day I had enough of his complaining and lost my temper, do you think this is easy for me I yelled at him, you are an adult Andy, and Matthew is a child and has a right to know his Father, why cant you see that
He looked downcast as he flopped down on the couch, I do, I do see it but but Im afraid, afraid of losing you Ange, I know you love him I can see it in your face and.. he loves you its so obvious
Oh Andy I sat beside him and took a deep breath, Your right I do love him and Im sure he cares for me. But not in the way I love you and he loves Raquel. Its like well your first love its always special. I love you Andy and for whatever time I have left I want to be with you
Really?
Yes really
Can we do this, can we let Seb and Raquel get to know Matthew without your feelings complicating it?

He nodded, Maybe, I think so but what do you expect to happen Ange, do you want them to have him and I never get to see him again
No Andy you will always be a part of Matthewss life, I dont know what will happen but you are important to Matthew and always will be.

We arranged for Seb and Raquel to come round for the evening, Matthew was staying with Betty for the night. At first it was awkward and tense but gradually the atmosphere began to lighten as we got to know each other. Sebs wife is lovely; she is very beautiful but also a sweet and caring person. I could see how much she loves him each time she looked at him it was written plainly on her face.
I looked at Andy as he sat chatting to Raquel they had obviously hit it off well, and seemed to find plenty to talk about. How is it possible to love two men at once? Because I do, I love Andy dearly and yet Seb. Seb he pulls at my heart, that smile, those eyes that certain way he looks at you.

And so it was finally agreed that Seb and Raquel would start to join us on our outings so that Matthew could get to know them. I was against telling him that Seb was his Father just yet, I think he is too young to comprehend all that at once.
We introduced Seb and Raquel as friends to Matthew, I felt so guilty when I saw the way Seb looked at his son. There was such longing in that look and I knew he was desperate for Matthew to know the truth. But he is only a little boy how can I possibly expect him to understand.
Raquel and I sat and watched the three of them playing football; I could see that my son was enjoying having the two men as playmates.

This must be so hard for you, you are so brave I heard Raquel say. I turned to find her watching me with tears in her eyes.
No Im not brave, Im scared and angry and I want to scream out loud that this shouldnt be happening to me. But it wouldnt change anything would it? The outcome will always be the same, I could bear it I continued except for Matthew I will never see him leave school, have a girlfriend, learn to drive all the things I should be able to look forward to. And him, he will not have a Mum to be there at the school open days, the football matches.his wedding day I stopped blinded by tears and unable to speak for the lump in my throat.
Raquel openly crying by now put her arms around me and held me as I wept.

Mum, Mum did you see that I scored a goal? Matthew came running over to us stopping just in front of me with an uncertain look on his face. Whats wrong Mummy are you poorly again? He asked.
I shook my head no Mummys ok sweetie Raquel was just helping me get something out of my eye.
I could read the sympathy on Sebs face as he watched me and it just about broke my heart, I dont want to die yet but maybe it would be better for all of them if I did just that.


Can I have an ice cream? Asked Matthew in the way only a child can immediately lighten the mood.
Raquel jumped to her feet, come on young man lets go and get some ice cream then shall we?
Andy would you like to join us? She asked. I could see him hesitate as he looked at me and I nodded for him to go ahead Ill be fine you go

Seb and I sat and watched them go, Shes lovely your Raquel I said quietly
He nodded as he took my hand, I know she is but I cannot help but wish things had been different he sighed.
Oh Seb its too late for what might have been we now have to think about what is right for him and I nodded at the small figure disappearing with the two adults across the playing field. They look like a family I choked out as I watched Andy and Raquel swing him between them.
Seb put his arm around me and again I started to cry, Im sorry thats all I seem to do lately poor Andy is a saint to put up with me and my waterworks all the time
Ange we cannot begin to understand how you feel but I think we all know that you need the release that tears bring

I laughed I bet when you accosted that strange girl in Rome you never thought you would be sitting here like this one day did you?
I wish I could have been here with you every single day he replied. Oh its ok Im not going to cause any trouble with Andy or Raquel, but I have to tell you Angelina I have never stopped loving you or thinking about you
I know I feel the same and I really wish it could have been different for us but I can die in peace knowing that Matthew will have his Father in his life.


The silence that followed was suddenly disturbed by a small voice yelling Mum, look what Ive got I looked up to see Matthew charging back across the field with an ice cream balancing precariously in his outstretched hand. It will be a miracle if he makes it back with it intact laughed Seb. Miracles do happen I replied as Matthew came to an abrupt stop in front of us.
We looked at each other both wishing the same thing, if miracles do happen then!

And so we continued Seb and Raquel became an accepted part of our daily lives, some days when I did not feel so well they would take Matthew out for the day. They always made a point of asking Andy along if he wasnt working. He usually declined saying he would stay with me instead.
I noticed he was becoming quieter as the days wore on, something on your mind? I asked him one afternoon when the others had all left to go to the cinema.
He shook his head. Come on Andy I know you better than that by now, come on out with it
Its just these last few weeks I have been watching Seb and Raquel with Matthew, they are good with him and he obviously loves them
As he does you I interjected.

Yeah I know he does and I love him.. but.. Ange they can give him so much more than I ever could, a loving home, two parents, a comfortable life. What will he have with me, after school clubs and staying with my Mum when I am working?
So what are you saying? I prompted quietly.
I think its time he knew, knew that Seb is his real Dad, and maybe provided I can still see him that he should go and live with them when. when.well later that is
I sat and tried to absorb what I had just heard, for one thing that was probably the first time Andy had acknowledged that I was going to die.
Are you sure thats what you want? I asked.
As long as I can always see him or for as long as Matthew wants to see me that is
I am sure Matthew will always want to see you he loves you
Yes I know he does but Im not his Dad and he knows that, maybe its time for him to know the truth

Strangely enough a few days later it was as if Matthew must have known about our conversation, Mummy where did I come from he suddenly asked. I tried my best to explain to him where babies come from and how they are made. Well if Andy isnt my Daddy who is, is it Sebastien. That would be cool if Seb was my Dad
Amazed I sat looking at him, what makes you think that Seb is your Daddy I asked calmly although I was feeling far from calm.
Who else he replied with knowledge far beyond his years if its not Andy it must be Seb I swallowed, I knew that really Seb should be here when he was told but what could I do? I couldnt lie to him and then later tell it was true.

Before you were born Matthew Mummy and Seb loved each other, we made you and you are the most precious thing in the world to me We didnt know back then that you were going to be born and we didnt stay together
I swallowed again this is so hard to explain to a five year old. Anyway I met Andy and we got married and Seb and Raquel got married, but then you know that Mummy got ill
He nodded as he stared at me with those big green eyes.
Well Mummy has to go and live with the angels.and I and I thought that it would be.i thought you would like to meet your real Daddy I finished.
He sat quietly absorbing all I had just told him. Seb is my Daddy? He asked does he know he is my Daddy? I laughed yes darling he knows, he just wanted you to get to know him before we told you
Mummy can I come and live with the angels with you?
I shook my head, No sweetie its not your time yet you have to stay here with Daddy and Raquel and Andy, and one day when you are a very old man you will live with the angels and I will see you again
Now how about we get you some tea? I said as I jumped up from my chair, I just could not go on any longer.



After tea he had his bath and sat in his PJs watching TV until Andy came home. He heard Andys key in the door and went running to meet him. Andy, Andy guess what, Seb is my real Daddy and you are my other Daddy and ..and Mummy is going to live with the angels only Im not allowed to go until I am very old
Andy stood just inside the door and looked at me a million questions etched on his face.
I shrugged my shoulders He asked and I couldnt lie

Later when Matthew was in bed I explained to Andy what had happened, it did not feel right lying to him and I didnt have time to talk it over with any of you
Have you told Seb?
No not yet I wanted to talk it over with you first
I think you need to tell him now, what if Matthew announces it like he just did to me, thst wouldnt be fair
Oh Andy you are such a sweet man, I can never thank you enough for the happiness you have given us I reached up to stroke his dear face and he lightly kissed my hand. I love you Ange and I always will
He jumped up and headed for the bathroom closing the door behind him. I know how hard he tries to be strong for me but I also know how hard this is for him.

It wasnt doom and gloom all the time we had some really fun times. Days when we all took Matthew out for the day to the park or the zoo were always fun.
Some evenings Seb and Raquel would come round we would share a couple of bottles of wine and maybe play cards or a board game. Games invariably ended up with the guys cheating and all of us laughing until our sides ached. Somehow even when we were having fun a part of me remained detached as if I was watching all of us. I could be laughing until tears ran down my face but inside I would be crying, or worse screaming.

The days when I was able to join them became fewer and Matthew spent more and more time at Seb and Raquels, this seemed a good idea as it had been agreed that he would live with them whenwhen.. when the time came.
One day Andy and Raquel took Matthew out and Seb stayed with me. I was sleeping a lot at this stage. I protested that he should go with the others but he insisted he wanted to stay. We sat curled up on the couch his arm around my shoulders, sometimes words are not needed and this seemed to be one of those times the silence felt right and comfortable. It was only broken when I heard a sniff and caught Seb discreetly trying to wipe his face.
I sat up and looked at him, please Seb dont I cannot bear to see you sad, lets not spoil this time we have together it may be the last. the last day we spend alone.. ever.
You wont let my boy forget me will you, tell him about me when he gets older and on his special days.
Angelina our son will never forget you I will make sure of that. He will know that he had the most beautiful, most loving, caring, perfect Mama ever who fought so hard not to leave him. Not only will Matthew never forget you neither will I, you will always me my sunshine girl from Rome. I will think of those special days we shared and know that you will always be a part of me. He stopped unable to carry on and I reached up to his dear face. Seb I am so tired I dont think I can keep going for much longer, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you. I love Andy how could I not but you, you captured my heart that sunny day in Rome and it has been yours since.

Six months later.

Hi its Seb here, I promised Angelina I would finish her story for her and so.
She left us and we have all felt her loss so very deeply. Andy, Ruth and Shane have become our close friends and they all help Matthew cope with the loss of his Mama.
My son, what a legacy she left me he is amazing. Children are so much more able to rationalise and accept things than we are. He talks about her a lot perhaps not quite as much as he did, but he knows the day will come when he sees her again, after all she told him she would.
She left letters for every one, it is now six months and I still have not opened mine I cant not yet.
I sat with our son when he opened his first letter from her.
It told him what a special boy he was and how much she loved him. She asked him to look after Raquel and me and to help us, she said that as we had not been a Mummy and Daddy before he would need to teach us how. A brilliant idea as it gave him a sense of purpose but also made him feel very important.
She also left him other letters to be opened when he left school and went to work or Uni, a letter for when he passed his driving test, and a letter for his eighteenth birthday and lastly a letter to give him on his wedding day.
Her bravery astounded me to the very end. She left us with dignity even though her dreadful illness had tried so hard to rob her of it.

I had never seen Raquels letter, she did offer to show me but I said no, Angelina had meant it for her and her alone.


She had left instructions for her funeral which we all followed to the very last word.
No black only bright colours allowed, no mournful music only happy tunes. She wanted flowers as she loved them so much but they must all be yellow her favourite colour.
And after we were not to sit around crying but take Matthew to the zoo and have a happy time with him!
We did as she asked even if inside we were crying on the outside we were bright and smiling.
I miss her.. I miss her smile and her laugh, the way she would look at me when no one else was looking.

I have a lump in my throat today, Matthew is twenty seven years old today and this is his wedding day. This morning he and I went for a walk and I gave him the last of his letters from his Mama. He sat looking at it quietly just turning it over and over in his hands. I miss her Seb but.. but some days its hard to remember what she looked like I can just about remember what her voice sounded like and her laugh, she used to laugh a lot didnt she.
I nodded in reply finding words very difficult to say.


You and Raquel well you have been amazing parents but I wish my Mum could be here to watch me and Olivia get married.
Oh she will be here son I managed to croak out she will be right beside you. Every step of the way.



THE END